This past week has been a busy one as preparations were made for Marin Catholic's graduation, which was held Thursday evening. When it was over, I received a number of requests for copies of the talk I directed to our graduates. The text of that talk follows (minus a few ad libs I threw in -- but this represents 98% of it):
Dear Seniors,
In 1989, a collection of essays by Robert Fulghum titled "All I really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten" reached the top of the New York Times bestseller list. The essays reflected the truth in everyday form as Fulghum wrote with wit and wisdom about small lives with big meanings. The title, however, does not describe what I remember of my kindergarten experience. While, after 56 years, I’m able to recall very little of that first year of my formal education, two exceptions remain lodged firmly and uncomfortably in my long-term memory.
First, I remember a day when, with bladder full to near bursting, and too embarrassed to ask my teacher to go to the bathroom, I did what nature forced me to do --I peed in my pants, thinking, as five-year olds often do when faced with various “accidents” that it would go unnoticed. As you might guess, and quite unfortunately for me, that was not the case, and even greater embarrassment was the consequence.
Second, I was the only child in my class who was unable to make a pillow for nap time. The task seemed simple enough – take two paper plates, place shredded newspaper as stuffing between them, and sew the two halves together with yarn. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to get the sewing done -- I had trouble telling right from left, and was unable to follow the directions of the teacher. Yes, I ended up pillowless at nap time. I learned yet another lesson in humility, or to a five-year old, more likely humiliation.
You are probably wondering why I’ve recounted these events from so long ago. Well, if I really did learn all I really need to know in kindergarten, imagine where I’d be now – and no, I am not wearing Depends under my robe tonight.
The point I want to make is that learning never stops and that the formal aspects of education are only a small part of what we actually learn. I don’t mean to imply that the thousands of dollars your parents have already spent and will continue to spend on your educations is money wasted, or that the skills you have begun to develop as readers, writers, curious scientists, and problem solvers are unimportant. However, if you haven’t already, you will find that the most significant lessons you will learn are those encountered as you live your lives. And, yes, as much as you’d rather not hear this, the older you are, and the more life experience you have, the more likely you are to have gained a bit of wisdom and a changed perspective of what life is really all about. Most adults know this. That’s why we are always trying to tell you what’s best for you. We also understand that, just as we did, you ultimately do need to find out most of this on your own. I would like to try to give you a bit of a head start, though.
So, what wisdom have I gained in the 56 years since kindergarten that I can share with you? There are tons of things I’ve learned in addition to don’t pee in your pants and not everyone can do things as well as everyone else. A lot of it is fairly trivial and comes in handy for crossword puzzle completion and filling awkward silences during conversations with strangers at various functions husbands find themselves at. Some of it is significant and should be shared: dream big, don’t worry about what others think of you, you can find some good in just about everyone, say thank-you, be earnest and honest, don’t be afraid of making mistakes -- I could go on and on, but, most recently, three life lessons have risen to the top of the “what I’ve learned from life” list in their importance to me, and it’s these I hope you can learn from. Simply said they are:
Attitude is everything; learn to live in the present; don’t believe everything you think. Again, attitude is everything; learn to live in the present; don’t believe everything you think.
Regarding attitude . . .
I keep a quote by Charles Swindoll posted on my refrigerator’s “door of wisdom” that sums up what I have learned:
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes."
I couldn’t agree more with Mr. Swindoll. Life often throws major league curveballs our way, presenting us with situations, like the end of a relationship, loss of a loved one, or in my case, a cancer diagnosis, over which we have little control. What we can control, the one string we can play on, is how we react to the challenges life presents. Never believe that you don’t have choices, even under the most dire circumstances. I am only here today because I made choices about how I would deal with my disease. I have chosen, very simply, to do whatever is necessary in order to continue to live as well I can for as long as I can, to focus on living, laughing and loving rather than dying. I know that my tumors are going to do what they will do and that the chemo drugs are going to do what they will do; I have little control over both. However, I can still control what I will do. Attitude is everything.
Once you accept the fact that you and only you control how you will deal with anything and everything life throws at you, the good, the bad and the ugly, the next step is learning to live in the present. While this sounds pretty obvious – aren’t we all living in the present -- It’s actually something quite foreign to many of us. Too much of our time is spent either rehashing the past, ruing our mistakes, rethinking the “what ifs,” and wishing for do-overs, or focusing on the future. While we may be physically in the present, we are all to often emotionally, mentally and spiritually distant. This is not to say revisiting the past, sharing pleasant memories, learning from mistakes or looking forward and making plans, setting goals and dreaming are bad things that we need to avoid. In fact, they are essential to our existence. However, the present, what we are currently doing and why we are doing it, can get pushed aside, and a casualty of doing so is our ability to enjoy what we have, in particular our relationships. Randy Pausch, a college instructor diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, in his “last lecture” urged his audience to “seize every moment because time is all you have . . . and you may find one day that you have less than you think.” Neither he nor I suggest that the solution is a hedonistic living every day like it’s your last. Rather, it’s about living each and every day thoughtfully and appreciatively, always keeping others in mind, paying attention to and nurturing your relationships, and never underestimating the importance of God, family and friends in your lives. Each day is a gift; find something good to be thankful for in each and every one. Learn to live in the present.
And, don’t believe everything you think. I’ve learned these last six months that reason alone cannot offer explanations for much of what I have experienced. This has not been that easy a lesson for me. I’m naturally something of a skeptic, and, prior to my illness, have looked for rational, evidence-based answers to questions. Fr. Daly can attest to this, as we have talked on a number of occasions about the struggles I have had with my faith journey. For the past six months, I’ve had to face the possibility that my cancer may end my life, and as my therapy has progressed, I’ve had cause to re-evaluate my evidentiary and scientific approach to problem-solving. This isn’t just “there are no atheists in foxholes” wishful thinking. I have discovered that there is power in prayer and that healing has a deep spiritual component, that “complementary,” non-traditional forms of healing teamed with my chemotherapy have produced positive effects for me, and that much of what happens and why it happens in the treatment of disease is inexplicable. Even as I face a future that is clouded with uncertainty, I maintain hope. Don’t believe everything you think.
A poem by Tenzin Gyatso, XIV Dalai Lama, yes, more wisdom from my refrigerator door, seems to sum up what I’ve tried to say:
Never give up,
No matter what is going on.
Develop the heart.
Too much energy in your country
Is spent on developing the mind
Instead of the heart.
Develop the heart.
Be compassionate,
Not just to your friends
But to everyone.
Be compassionate.
Work for peace
In your heart and in the world.
And I say again,
Never give up,
No matter what is happening,
No matter what is going on around you,
Never give up.
Thank-you for the support you’ve given me this past semester even though I’ve been something of an absentee principal. Peace, good fortune, and God’s blessings to each and everyone of you.
___________________________________
The next big event on the horizon is the Dipsea this Sunday. I'll let you know how it, my CT scan (next Tuesday) and doctor's visit went toward the end of next week. Stay tuned.
Peace,
Don
